watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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