i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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