Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
