Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
