but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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