Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
