Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
