My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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