Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
