hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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