grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
