the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he was CRYING into my vagina
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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