you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
