Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
