Your face is a jimmy john
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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