I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I don't deserve a penis
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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