You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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