it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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