My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This is classic penis vs brain.
whose parrot is this?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
