My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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