Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
