I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
