If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
