tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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