good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
