I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
