I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
