You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
