The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
