Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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