I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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