I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
