So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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