She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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