Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
