I'm pants shitting drunk right now
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
