My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
