okay pat passed out under dana's car
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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