only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize