foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
