proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
