Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
