It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
