I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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