We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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