Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
