I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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