Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
