Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
True strength comes from lack of pants
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
