it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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