Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Randomize
