she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Randomize
