i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
