Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
