how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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