The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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