I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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