what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
