I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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