If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
