Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
