He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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