I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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