true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
